What do you think of my essay? (for college application)?

There is at least one person in everyone’s life that has had a significant influence on him or her; for most it may be a friend or relative, for me it was my former co-worker Ellen.

I first met Ellen when I started working at subway my junior year in high school. My first impression of Ellen was that she was a fiery tempered woman that you should avoid crossing at all cost. I was always on the night shift with Ellen and I hated it. She would stand outside and smoke most nights, while I did most if not all of the work. While I baked and cleaned and catered to the customers she would gossip about the latest Bfs company scandal or about how I wasn’t measuring up to being a model subway employee. Ellen wasn’t a model employee, often I believed she had stolen money from the register, but I could never be certain. However when she counted up the register every night, we would always be short at least twenty dollars or more.

As time went on I began to notice something about Ellen. She always went out of her way to serve the customers. Neither which was something I nor my fellow co-workers did, at least not to the extent that Ellen did. Once while working the night shift a woman came to the counter with a screaming baby in one arm, and a crumpled list in the other. She looked to be in a rush, maybe even scared but I couldn’t be sure. Ellen again would go out of her way to serve tonight. She and I put together the lady’s order and when it came time to pay the lady had forgotten her wallet. Ellen said “don’t worry about it hun” and she paid out of pocket for the woman’s order and sent her on her way.

Ellen would later become manager, and be fired soon after, but the influence that she has had upon me will follow me the rest of my life. From working with Ellen, and being around her, and seeing how she went out of her way every day to serve others has taught me that you should always try to show kindness and love towards other people; which is a rare thing in today’s world. Ellen didn’t have to pay out of pocket for a hectic woman’s order, but she did out of the kindness of her heart. Another thing that was impressed upon me from watching Ellen is that you should always try to see the good in everyone. In the beginning I thought Ellen to be a fiery tempered or mean spirited woman, but had I tried to see the good in her then I would have known that behind the mask she wore, there was a heart of gold.What do you think of my essay? (for college application)?
Personally, I think you should redo your essay. The essay seems to be too colloquial and superficial; the essay does not show in a meaningful way of self growth or worth. Think of a better introduction... seems kind of plain. You want your essay to be short, but at the same time should capture the readers attentions (the reader probably going read hundreds of other vanilla essays, try to make yours special). Talk to your high school English teacher for further help, and if possible ask students of the school you're applying to for what they have wrote in their essay.What do you think of my essay? (for college application)?
...you stole that essay...
its too big to read!!!What do you think of my essay? (for college application)?
Omit needless words (Strunk %26amp; White's _Elements of Style_)
This was a good effort but if I am being completely honest this essay doesn't stand out to me at all. I think it lacks creativity and it kind of bored me. You can keep the same topic I would just consider revising this if I was you. Good luck.What do you think of my essay? (for college application)?
hhmmm



not so generous if your giving somebody someone else's money.



If she had written an IOU, then she wouldn't have been fired. In fact her extra service would have gotten her far in the business.



It is worth wile for the business for her to go out of her way to help, as customer will be happy, and will return.
Its a somewhat good essay, but not for college. You list some of ellens personality traits but dont really have stuff to back it up. you say she goes out of her way to serve her customers but i didnt really see any examples to back that up. Sure she gave them free food when the lady forgot her wallet but i think thats just being generous. You also mention that she got fired so that wouldnt exactly be a perfect role model that colleges would want to see you look up to. in my opinion you should pick another role model that you may not really notice. it could be your mom, dad, a teacher, a friend just somebody that really helped shape your life. you also have some repeititon. Bfs ? explain what it is. You also have several grammar errors. its a good story but like i said not for college, well if you want to get in. email me and ill help you if you want !
omg its so long